[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
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[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.