I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
You Might Also Like
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.