I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
how to have an accident 101
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit