Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Sheep
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy