Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
God has abandoned us.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.