when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
eggs benadryl
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Spring cleaning checklist…
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?