Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.