me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
How do you like your Corgi?
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
Comparing yourself to others
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Tell me you get it…🤣
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.