Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”