Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
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sry
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games