My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
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[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.