If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
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i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
#StillHurts
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious