Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
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5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
🤣✨#caturday
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad