People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say