Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]