If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
inventing words: clothing
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I didn’t come here to be called names
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!