If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
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I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked