[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
You Might Also Like
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
motivation
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years