Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I’m not wrong
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.