When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Des Moines Police having a normal one
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*