The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”