ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
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What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.