I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.