Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
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Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
dam girl
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
translated into Canadian
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Nice try Hitler
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.