Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Finally! 😈
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Any refunds available?…
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises