Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
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If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one