Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
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my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.