How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
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Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.