If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
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Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”