If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”