What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
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Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don鈥檛 mention it.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn鈥檛 good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it鈥檚 a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn鈥檛 know how to work a knob.
6. me as a lawyer
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
馃槉馃
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I鈥檓 a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Every. Damn. Time.