My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
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Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.