Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
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No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn