First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog