HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I just tested negative for patience.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.