went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
You Might Also Like
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.