The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Best mom ever 😂
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Smile Twitter, Smile.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it