“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
You Might Also Like
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Any refunds available?…
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.