I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
You Might Also Like
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides