Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Happy Thanksgiving
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.