Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
You Might Also Like
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”