Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
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When I was a kid, dad would say āIād give that a minuteā as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed Iād never be that crass with my kids, so I donāt give them any such warning.
6: Dad, whatās the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Charlotteās Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. Itās true. I read it when I was 7 & I havenāt eaten a spider since
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
iām kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Thinking outside the box.. š
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury CrĆØme Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… š
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
true crime documentaries are like āhe was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victimsā
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says āItās so nice out! We should go for a walk!ā
Toddlers donāt GAF.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. Iām basically a deer.
Forget spiders, Iāve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.