Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
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– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
I’m going to need a moment here.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit