[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.