[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
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My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.