Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”