The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
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My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.