me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
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Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”