“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
You Might Also Like
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?