Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
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A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Breaking news:
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
men, we mow at sunrise.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Me too door. Me too.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon